A word of explanation: This is a poem that I am constructing. I say constructing, as I am working at it to get it to follow a plan or blueprint. The meter and rhyme and even the order of the lines changes as the poem nears completion. I thank the Book Club for all their hard work and support in this endeavor. Their suggestions, advice, and critiques are invaluable in this process.
This poem is inspired by a work that will be named later, and aside from the inspiration any semblance to the other work is currently coincidental. I do not seek to retell the story of the other work, nor give it a new spin, but rather pick-up where the author left off, and honor the author in some small way with my words.
Any suggestions, opinions, and ideas are welcome. Thank you.
As the poem now stands:
1. silent clacked the rosary upon his fettered wrist
2. battered bloody by the sea they sailed into the mist
3. slinking through the morning gloom, the darkest part of day
4. seeking to escape their doom, the good ship sailed away
5. Swigging droughts from Titan's cup, the Devil threw the dice
6. and fostered within the Captain's breast, a more sinister self-indulgent vice
7. the sweet young maid of secret charm, fostered by the night
8. came unbidden to his arm, and dwelt within his sight
9. boiling, churning, within his heart, the burning lusts of man
10. the Devil's demons for their part, valiantly worked the fan
11. the wise old boson saw the harm, and the trouble that would come
12. should the young maid give way to charm, and drink of Cupid's venom
13. a poor young Father knelt by them, then blest 'n set 'em free
14. And eulogized with mourning hymn their hard-won victory
15. the battle had raged long 'n hard, their lives for pirate's gold
16. …
This poem is inspired by a work that will be named later, and aside from the inspiration any semblance to the other work is currently coincidental. I do not seek to retell the story of the other work, nor give it a new spin, but rather pick-up where the author left off, and honor the author in some small way with my words.
Any suggestions, opinions, and ideas are welcome. Thank you.
As the poem now stands:
1. silent clacked the rosary upon his fettered wrist
2. battered bloody by the sea they sailed into the mist
3. slinking through the morning gloom, the darkest part of day
4. seeking to escape their doom, the good ship sailed away
5. Swigging droughts from Titan's cup, the Devil threw the dice
6. and fostered within the Captain's breast, a more sinister self-indulgent vice
7. the sweet young maid of secret charm, fostered by the night
8. came unbidden to his arm, and dwelt within his sight
9. boiling, churning, within his heart, the burning lusts of man
10. the Devil's demons for their part, valiantly worked the fan
11. the wise old boson saw the harm, and the trouble that would come
12. should the young maid give way to charm, and drink of Cupid's venom
13. a poor young Father knelt by them, then blest 'n set 'em free
14. And eulogized with mourning hymn their hard-won victory
15. the battle had raged long 'n hard, their lives for pirate's gold
16. …
I remember this!
ReplyDeleteAs before, the line with 'self-indulgent vice' has quite a few too many syllables. I don't see an easy fix for it offhand. I do however see a fix for the metre in the first half of line 12: substitute 'yield' for 'give way'. As for the second half of the line, it might be cleaned up a touch by converting 'of cupid's' to just two syllables, with the stress on the latter, for example 'of love's'. I realize that that's not as classical.
For the record, I invite consideration of substituting the spelling 'boatswain' for 'bosun'; I have never encountered the latter in my reading.