How to give offense

Hello, if you are reading this you wish to offend someone. This guide is here to help you deliver the most astounding insults ever. The process is simple and easy to understand, just follow the easy steps below. 

Step One - Decide the degree of insult intended. Do you really want to hurt someone or just banter spitefully yet playfully? Do you want to leave the person emotionally scarred and crippled? Do you wish to strip away their ego and self-esteem leaving them an emotionless husk ready to fall apart at any moment? (Helpful Suggestion: When giving offense it is better to overshoot your mark.) 

Step Two - Select the appropriate situation. Some insults and offenses are most powerful only in given locales or situations. For example, saying 'I'd rather french a blender,' right after he proposes conveys the adequate level of rejection and emotional destruction all due to timing. 

Step Three - The Insult. This is the most tricky part of the procedure. Wrong wording will lead to openings an opponent may use for 'the comeback'. If seen in time, such openings will allow you to prepare in advance and may even be used to heap bigger and better insults on your opponent. Remember, not all insults need be verbal. One of the most overused, but effective is the simple rising of the middle finger. When beginning in the insult circuit, stick to comparisons or name calling until you have developed sufficient speed and skill to create witty phrases. (Unfortunately, a large and increasing number of people believe they can skip right to the more skilled insults without betraying themselves as idiots.) Since you know your opponent best try to chose something that will touch one of their hot buttons or sensitive spots. 

Step Four - The delivery. Your method of delivery must be in such a way as to strike to the heart of the target. A good insult delivered in a bad manner, ruins the effect. Be creative in the delivery. For example, an insulting birthday gift may only be construed as a joke gift unless taken to the extreme. Try giving rubber sheets to a bed wetter publicly. 

Step Five - The Gloat. No insult no matter how trivial is complete without a proper gloat. The most simple is often the most effective, a self-sure knowing smile. However, in some situations the gloat itself may be used to add to the insult. For example, after delivering a stinging comment to or tripping a nerd, laugh loudly and point. 

I am assured that these five basic steps will guarantee that you will become a master of insults in no time at all. You will be the envy of your friends.