How to give offense

Hello, if you are reading this you wish to offend someone. This guide is here to help you deliver the most astounding insults ever. The process is simple and easy to understand, just follow the easy steps below. 

Step One - Decide the degree of insult intended. Do you really want to hurt someone or just banter spitefully yet playfully? Do you want to leave the person emotionally scarred and crippled? Do you wish to strip away their ego and self-esteem leaving them an emotionless husk ready to fall apart at any moment? (Helpful Suggestion: When giving offense it is better to overshoot your mark.) 

Step Two - Select the appropriate situation. Some insults and offenses are most powerful only in given locales or situations. For example, saying 'I'd rather french a blender,' right after he proposes conveys the adequate level of rejection and emotional destruction all due to timing. 

Step Three - The Insult. This is the most tricky part of the procedure. Wrong wording will lead to openings an opponent may use for 'the comeback'. If seen in time, such openings will allow you to prepare in advance and may even be used to heap bigger and better insults on your opponent. Remember, not all insults need be verbal. One of the most overused, but effective is the simple rising of the middle finger. When beginning in the insult circuit, stick to comparisons or name calling until you have developed sufficient speed and skill to create witty phrases. (Unfortunately, a large and increasing number of people believe they can skip right to the more skilled insults without betraying themselves as idiots.) Since you know your opponent best try to chose something that will touch one of their hot buttons or sensitive spots. 

Step Four - The delivery. Your method of delivery must be in such a way as to strike to the heart of the target. A good insult delivered in a bad manner, ruins the effect. Be creative in the delivery. For example, an insulting birthday gift may only be construed as a joke gift unless taken to the extreme. Try giving rubber sheets to a bed wetter publicly. 

Step Five - The Gloat. No insult no matter how trivial is complete without a proper gloat. The most simple is often the most effective, a self-sure knowing smile. However, in some situations the gloat itself may be used to add to the insult. For example, after delivering a stinging comment to or tripping a nerd, laugh loudly and point. 

I am assured that these five basic steps will guarantee that you will become a master of insults in no time at all. You will be the envy of your friends.

let’s hold a contest

hold a contest, that's what we'll do
to see who's more petty, me or you
you hold your breath till you turn blue
and I'll bawl and whine that it's not true
and then when the world comes to see
we'll make them chose between you and me
you'll pout and cry that it's not fair
and I'll shout that I only did it on a dare
we'll keep track of who's right and wrong
we'll even record who's weak and strong
and in the end, then we'll know
who's the best and who's so-so
so let's hold a contest, you and I
the loser can just crawl off and die
we'll tout our virtues and our vices
ask each other, "don't you know what lice is?"
I'll hit you, and you hit me
we'll see how petty we can be
and in the end we'll know it's true
no one but no one is pettier than you

Powdered Sugar Curse

Anything can be said in verse,
the acid that is love
or a powdered sugar curse
like an angelic strike from above

be it a blessing on a flower
or moving little feet
the thirsty search for power
or a monstrous wicked beat

Oh yes anything can be said in verse,
like a powdered sugar curse.

calumny

Just one word,
       just one phrase.
One mere sentence
       writ in blacks and grays.
Death comes
       in more ways than one.
It stalks the mind
       and before I'm done
Shrouds will drape
       you with every sin.
This is how I kill;
       not with a sword, but a pen.

let's hold a contest

hold a contest, that's what we'll do
to see who's more petty, me or you
you hold your breath till you turn blue
and I'll bawl and whine that it's not true
and then when the world comes to see
we'll make them chose between you and me
you'll pout and cry that it's not fair
and I'll shout that I only did it on a dare
we'll keep track of who's right and wrong
we'll even record who's weak and strong
and in the end, then we'll know
who's the best and who's so-so
so let's hold a contest, you and I
the loser can just crawl off and die
we'll tout our virtues and our vices
ask each other, "don't you know what lice is?"
I'll hit you, and you hit me
we'll see how petty we can be
and in the end we'll know it's true
no one but no one is pettier than you